Ah, the World Cup. That time every four years when you realize that not only are you not athletic, you're also not cultured or worldly. Well don't worry, because Extra Mustard is here to help. We've assembled this guide as the ultimate rundown of the World Cup for people who know nothing about soccer. You'll find general info, a glossary of terms that will impress your friends and a breakdown of teams sorted by their first-round World Cup groups.
For each team, we've included some smart-sounding phrases to make you seem like an expert, a recap of how each team qualified for this year's tournament, and some information about who you should root for and why.
We've got everything except orange slices to eat at halftime (you'll have to ask your mom about those).
This guide is your primer, but if you'd like some more in-depth coverage of the World Cup, check out Planet Futbol.
And now, without further ado, allow me to present: The Extra Mustard World Cup Guide for People Who Don't Watch Soccer. (Or T.E.M.W.C.G.F.P.W.D.W.S. for short)
We've assembled some of the most commonly-asked questions about the World Cup. For the most uncommonly-asked questions, consult your Ouija board or therapist.
How do teams qualify for the World Cup?
If you're the host of the World Cup (Brazil), then you're automatically in. For the rest of the world, qualifying for the World Cup is a grueling 2-year process of different tournaments and matches. The world is divided up into 6 confederations which each have slightly different rules for qualifying teams to go to the World Cup. The minutiae of the process varies from region to region, but they're all round-robin tournaments, sometimes with an additional two-game playoff that's determined based on aggregate goals (For example if Team 1 wins the first game 2-0 and Team 2 wins the second game 3-0, Team 2 would advance).
It's not too far off from this:
Why is the World Cup a bigger deal than the Olympics?
The Olympics is meant to promote amateurism, so nearly all the players on a squad must be under 23 (basketball had a similar rule for many years). That basically disqualifies all of the most popular soccer players from participating in the Olympics, so it's not really an accurate reflection of which country is the best at the sport. Not surprisingly FIFA hasn't really made an effort to change the Olympics under-23 rule.
Why should I watch this if I'm not a soccer fan?
- Everyone is good looking.
- Referees are part of the game: they make important calls with little to no technological help, and they can make the decision not to call a foul if they think doing so would give an advantage to the team that fouled. We can argue about whether this freedom for the refs makes soccer better or worse than other sports, but it's certainly different (and with all the complaints about MLB's new replay system, hopefully it's refreshing, too).
- Everyone gets REALLY emotional because everything (well, not everything, but you know what I mean) is at stake:
- Watching a World Cup held in Brazil will be a spectacle like none other. This will be the party of a lifetime (assuming strikes, riots and a bevy of other issues that the country has faced leading up to the event don't interfere)
- Flopping is a genuine part of the game, and everyone likes to watch good acting. Dwyane Wade would fit right in.
How can I watch it?
ABC will be showing 10 World Cup games, ESPN will show 43, and ESPN2 will show 11. You can find out more about the TV schedule here, and you can see the full schedule of matches right here.
It's likely that a bar in your area will be screening these, but if you can't make it there, fear not - ESPN is launching their most all-inclusive app ever so you can follow the World Cup like the psycho soccer fan you're about to become.
What are the rules of soccer?
Here's everything you need to know in 280 characters (two tweets):
You can use anything but your arms. Each team starts 11 players. Offside: passing w/o 2 players between you & goal. Yellow card: slap on wrist. Red card: player must leave game. Out of bounds: throw in. Foul = other team gets free kick. Foul in box = Penalty shot. 3 substitutions